Dicho con ganas
Said with enthusiasm
I am not fond of August. It is my least favorite month of the year. Growing up in Sacramento meant that August was spent in front of an air conditioner in your underwear, dreaming of when Fall would arrive. It meant going back to my bullies at school. But the main reason I don’t like August is because so many deaths have happened in August. So many loved ones have departed for the next realm during these 31 days.
So many that I enter the month with anxiety and I leave it with a sigh of relief. My favorite way to speak of August is in the past tense.
And yet, there is always something left to love in it, too. My cat’s birthday is in August and strapping a birthday hat onto her tiny head brought me so much joy.
I’m launching this newsletter in August and it makes me so excited. I have had this part of me shelved for a few years now and it’s time to exercise the writing muscle I have let atrophy.
Other muscles have begun to stretch as well. Running has become my favorite way to rinse the day off of me. I feel stronger and more connected with my physical self than I have in a very long time.
I joke that I have come to the conclusion that I will never own a racehorse (again, kinda) so I just have to become my own. But there’s some truth to it. Another thing died this August.
I had to euthanize my love of horse racing this month. The writing sample at the end of this newsletter will explain.
August Book Reviews
Demon Copperhead: 5 stars
Who would I recommend this book to: every high school student in an American history course; anyone who has ever made a joke about Appalachia; anyone who has ever wondered how someone could get addicted to opioids.
What I liked about this book: I visited the Appalachian parts of Kentucky only once while I was living there because I was warned against going. “They will know you are not from there and there is nothing for you over there” is what we were told during our orientation week.
But the power of a reliably good Grindr hookup is powerful and will make you do things you’ve been warned not to do. Appalachia is complicated. It is hideous and beautiful all at once and this captures that so perfectly. I will revisit this book again and I am glad it won the Pulitzer.
Medium of the book: I bought the paperback copy of the book at the Waterstones in Soho. I wanted something to read on the train ride to Edinburgh. This book is special to me because I started reading it the day I got engaged to Collin.
Emotional Intelligence Habits: 5 stars
Who would I recommend this book to: anyone who needs to be assured they are not crazy at work; anyone who would like to live a more thoughtful life
What I liked about it: it was straight forward and approachable. I’ve only ever taken one Psychology class in my life so it was a nice introduction into social science.
Medium of the book: A hardcover copy with an inspiring personalized note from the author.
The Apology: 5 stars
Who would I recommend this book to: anyone with a complicated relationship with their family; anyone who has realized they need to get out of their own way; anyone who needs to learn that pride is a bad thing sometimes; people who like juicy gossip.
What I liked about it: The thing I keep coming back to about this book is how incredible the voice acting for the audiobook was.I also loved the imagery of the writing and it had a satisfying ending.
Medium of the book: Audiobook borrowed from the San Diego County library.
Is It Hot in Here? Or Am I Suffering for All Eternity for the Sins I Committed on Earth?: 4 stars
Who would I recommend this book to: a queer person who would like to laugh.
What I liked about it: Each chapter was succinct and clear. I liked how balanced the book was between very heavy topics (e.g. being queer with Trumpy parents, losing a friend in a mass shooting) with very silly things. There was a lot of the author’s heart in this book.
Medium of the book: A kindle version borrowed from the Oakland Public Library
Red, White, and Royal Blue: 5 stars
Who would I recommend this book to: people who like rom-coms; a gay whose cold, black heart needs some warmth.
What I liked about it: I started this book in 2021 and stopped reading it because I found the main protagonist so unlikable and cheesy. I picked it up again because I loved the film adaption. I’m glad I persevered and let go of any pretentiousness I had about reading a romance novel. There were some good sex scenes in here, too.
Medium of the book: A paperback copy purchased from Target.com in order to meet the free shipping threshold.
My favorite people’s favorite things.
I love the Celebrity Shopping lists on The Strategist and the “10 Essentials” videos on GQ’s YouTube channel. I think you can learn a lot about people based off of their favorite things. This recurring segment highlights some of My Favorite People’s favorite things.
The first month had to go to my best friend, Amy. She and I met at work and I knew she was a real one when she sent me an article to read from The Cut. I love Amy because of her wit, charm, and excellent taste in popular culture. I strive to be as cultured as she is.
Please enjoy Amy’s favorite things, as told by the genius herself:
Poppy & Pout lip balm - Attempting to work plastic-free products in my life is my kink, but there have been some real duds on that journey (see: Native plastic free deodorant. The deodorant is not great and the packing is barely functional. I'm currently experimenting with Nuud deodorant - stay tuned). I remember in middle school, Softlips lips balms were very popular. The tubes were long and thin, like the Virginia Slims of lip balms. This is the opposite of that - this lip balm is big and moisturizing and CHUNKY, like an Elmer's glue stick. It is so indulgent to have such a girthy balm to raise to your lips. L'chaim.
Wyld Gummies - Hands down, the best, most consistently dosed and potent gummies in the game! I pop 10mg every night right after we're done cooking dinner, sit back, and wait for my mind to untangle from the knots I force it into. This rec also encompasses their tropical-flavored edibles line, Good Tide. And actually, shout out to Good Tide for having plastic-free packaging. Boo for the $2-3 markup on Good Tide.
Totinos pizzas - I have loved Totino's pizzas since I was a kid. I can't say they're good, or that you need to rush out and try them if you're not already a fan. But they're unlike any other frozen pizza. If I'm feeling very fancy, I'll fry an egg and slide it on top. What can I say, I like the crispy crust. When I was really in the doldrums of being single, I would wonder if my future perfect boyfriend would judge me for eating garbage like Totino's. Years later, when I first started dating my partner, we had one debaucherous night that culminated in kitchen countertop sex and post-coital Totino's pizza. That was the night we knew we were Serious.
Farrow and Ball paints - My new year's resolution was to bring my color into my life. Decorating my house is my ongoing project, and a lot of the furniture and decor in my house is second-hand (anywhere from Facebook Marketplace to a literal dumpster), so I feel perfectly fine splurging on my paint! Our bedroom is basically an accidental ode to a redwood tree, with terracotta bedding, dark wood mission-style furniture, and rich, mossy green velvet curtains. I painted the walls Mizzle, and the effect really evokes the redwood forests of UCSC to me. I wanted my office, which is sunken level with low ceilings, to feel like crawling through a mousehole and into Amy's Pocket Universe. I chose Jitney for the walls and Tanner's Brown for the trim - neutral(ish) backdrops to ground a busy green Iris Apfel bug rug, a tiffany lamp, a chaise lounge, a desk, and walls covered in artwork. The effect is calming, despite the maximalist accents. If you're gonna go with F&B, don't half ass it - try a LOT of colors, test them on every wall and watch how they change with the light throughout the day. Do your primer coat, and do two coats of color. You won't be disappointed.
Starmark Treat Dispensing Chew Ball Dog Toy - When people tell you, "dogs are a lot of work", they are talking about my dog, Tuna. She is a pitbull-husky (huskbull) with occasional bursts of BIG energy, and this ball is perfect for keeping her busy when she gets wild. I just toss a few Charlee Bears in this ball and it will keep her busy for like, 20 minutes, and tire her out for even longer. She also enjoys dead-eyed, absentmindedly chewing on this ball even when there are no treats in there. It's like her binkie, which makes it indispensable for me.
A coat rack - I have a pair of friends whose proposal story involved a coat rack; it was a symbol of a house becoming a home (much more so than an exchanging of rings!). I found my coat rack on the sidewalk near my old house right before we moved, and carried it home -- it seemed like a good omen to fish a coat rack out of a free pile right before moving! I am a big fan of outerwear, and winter is my season, so it brings me lots of pride and peace to see my and my partner's beautiful coats on proud-but-casual display in our living room.
Anthropologie Dish Towels - Speaking of new homes, let's talk housewarming gifts! Gifting wall art is too presumptuous, but gifting coasters is too blah for my liking. I think dish towels hit the mark exactly - you can give something with a lot of color and personality that still manages to be unobtrusive. My gift giving philosophy is: get something useful and practical but more luxe than someone would get for themselves. Plus you can never have enough dish towels. Anthroplogie has tons of lovely and specific options, which makes the hunt to find the perfect towel for the recipient all the more fun! And because they're from Anthropolgie, they're (duh) more expensive and luxe than they need to be. Shoutout to my friend Emily for gifting me an Athro dish towel as a housewarming gift.
Trader Joe's Maple Poffertjes - The second frozen food entry on the list! I like to eat these out of a large pyrex tupperware bowl, drizzled with cheap syrup. I feel like an absolute muppet when I do it, but it's my 30 minutes of zen.
OGX Sea Salt Spray - My hair is fine and wavy, and happiest when it has a little bit of texture added to it. I've tried more expensive sea salt texturizing sprays from Bumble&bumble and R+Co, but this is still the best (Bumble&bumble's Thickening Spray is absolutely worth the splurge, though)! In my experience, no matter how much I spritz, my hair can absorb the product without ever tipping into crunchy territory, and it still looks good the next day. So I guess what I'm saying is it's difficult to over-apply this product. Perfect for unsure and hamfisted types like myself.
Honey Citron & Ginger Tea - No list of favorite things is complete without something from Costco! This jelly tea is like magic when you're sick. Sometimes I'll throw in a sachet of black tea too. So much of enjoying tea is the ritual of it all, and this ritual ends with tossing the citrus rinds at the bottom of your mug in the compost. We love a routine.
Collin’s Corner
I am obsessed with my fiance, Collin. This will be a monthly segment that will either be a guest column from him or just things he did this month that made me laugh.
I’m currently writing this while sick with a cold I got from the airport. He has been taking care of me and I appreciate him very much. Last night he made me a tea made of apple cider vinegar, turmeric, lemon juice, garlic, ginger, and honey. It was disgusting and I saw the face of god after chugging it. It did make me feel better, though.
That’s all for now. Back to ME.
A love of Horse Racing, from origins to extinction
ORIGIN OF SPECIES
My family has said I loved horses from birth. My mother tells a story of her walking around JC Penney’s with me in a stroller. She was walking around when I suddenly burst into tears. I had desperately wanted something and she had no idea what it was.
What the hell could her baby be crying about in the women’s section of JC Penney?
She eventually found the item. A clothing brand had a horse as its logo and I wanted the tag I saw attached to a dress. My mother, a Mexican woman very good at spoiling her only son, ripped the tag off of it and gave it to me.
So researchers begin their timelines there.
GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
While it seems it was an innate trait, we cannot discredit the environmental impacts of the species’s proliferation.
My paternal grandfather was a horse lover. Born in Ft. Collins, CO and raised in Mexico, he was the epitome of the American dream. The legacy he created continues to sustain generations of his family, even 14 years after his passing (in August!).
He lived on a ranch in Elk Grove and kept his racehorses there. By the time I entered the family, he had been involved in horse racing for several years and his involvement in the sport had risen to the level of breeding his own horses. The youngest grandchild with a love of horses grows up constantly surrounded by baby horses.
I NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
I became a student of my grandpa’s trade magazines and learned everything I could about pedigrees and horse racing history. There are several notable historical figures whose only fact I know about them is that they had racehorses (Vanderbilt, Whitney, Bing Crosby).
The happiest place on earth for me as a child was indeed in Orange County, California. However it wasn’t Disneyland. It was down the street on Katella Avenue. Los Alamitos Race Course is where our racehorses lived and competed in races.
The only racehorse I’ve ever owned raced there and I spent my life’s savings on him. My uncle was going to purchase, SV Blue Tornado, a grey yearling from a breeder in Oklahoma. He had purchased his older brother, Blue Shaquille (he was a very tall horse), the year before and he turned out to be a successful racehorse.
When I heard the news that my uncle would potentially buy Blue Shaquille’s brother, I emptied my wallet and gave everything I had to him to help with the purchase price. It was probably $50.
They have indulged me for years and have never corrected me so I will go to my grave saying I bought and owned a racehorse.
And so begins the first tragedy.
SV Blue Tornado was our most successful racehorse. He won the Pacific Coast Horse Racing Association’s Top Two-Year-Old Gelding award in 1999 and I accepted the trophy at the ceremony. It was my first instance of stage fright and I immediately forgot my speech when I stepped on stage. A very timid “thank you” is all I could muster.
Blue Tornado continued his success through 2000 and into 2001. Unfortunately he had a tough race in May 2001 and developed laminitis.
Laminitis is inflammation and damage of the tissue between the hoof and the underlying coffin bone. In severe cases, it can progress to founder, in which the hoof and coffin bone are separated and the coffin bone can rotate, leading to severe pain.
Blue Tornado was humanely euthanized to stop his suffering.
That was my first experience with a dead racehorse.
MATURITY
Eleven years later, I cut off my first horse head. I should explain.
I was entering my senior year at UC Davis when I started working at the California Animal Health and Food Safety Laboratory. I worked in the pathology department, otherwise known as necropsy.
It was my job to assist the veterinary pathologists during the necropsy exam and clean up the lab at the end of the day. I started working there because of all the racehorses.
In California, a horse that dies on a racetrack in the state automatically becomes property of the UC Davis School of Veterinary Medicine. The carcasses are shipped either to the Davis campus, where I worked, or the San Bernardino campus. A vast majority of the horse carcasses I received were from Golden Gate Fields,
I thought it was important to work at the lab so I could see for myself why these horses were dying. If I couldn’t save Blue Tornado, maybe I could learn enough about the causes of death that I could prevent others from happening.
The first month of my time in necropsy was spent horrified at all the blood and guts. It was my second day of work when the pathologist asked me to cut off the horse head and set it on another exam table. I picked up a knife and held my breath. I stood frozen for a few moments.
“Albert, are you nervous?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I’ve never done this before and I’m scared I’ll mess up.”
“Ah, that’s okay. Let me tell you something: you’re not going to kill it again.”
And so began my year in necropsy.
All of the racehorses I worked on during that year were euthanized due to leg breaks. It was my job to cut off the legs and keep them in a designated bucket. A researcher at the vet school would keep them for her research on why this kept happening.
Was the racetrack surface to blame? Was it generations of selective breeding? Were drugs being used to mask pain?
Yes. All of it. And yet I thought there was still hope. So much so that I moved to Kentucky after I graduated to pursue a career in the industry I loved.
I lasted 8 months. 8 beautiful, horrific, terrifying, liberating months in the Horse Capital of the World.
During my time in the Bluegrass I delivered over 40 foals. I helped babies take their first steps and gave them medicine at all hours of the night. I was in heaven. I had made it.
I was lucky to be placed on a farm whose philosophy I still believe in. “If you take care of the horse, the horse will take care of you.” Unfortunately I learned that my farm was the exception and not the rule. And even still I had hope for the sport.
I got to go to the Kentucky Derby and watch a horse from my home state win. I wept tears of joy during the playing of “My Old Kentucky Home." But eventually the hope dissipated and the reality of the industry became clear to me: there is no future for this sport and it is for the best.
I ran back to California in August 2014, broke and broken. Working on a racehorse farm was so much fun until it wasn’t. Until I started to trying to pay back my college loans with a $7.25/hour paycheck. Until my allergies got so bad that I rubbed away some of the cornea in my left eye. Until I realized I was too gay to be in Kentucky for even another second.
EXTINCTION
It’s been 9 years since I’ve worked on the horse farm and I have been an avid follower of the sport from afar. One of the foals I raised was the 2019 Horse of the Year and I even got to be there when another won the biggest race of her career.
But every since I have left Kentucky, horse racing has become harder to love and justify. It’s the dozens of horses that have died at Del Mar and Santa Anita. It’s the FBI raid of several prominent trainers because of an elaborate doping scheme. It’s the racism and bigotry of its fan-base. It’s all too much.
But what was the final straw was a horse named Maple Leaf Mel.
Maple Leaf Mel was a feel-good story this year. She was named after her trainer, a Canadian woman named Melanie who had recently beat cancer. The horse and trainer shared a special bond and it was easy to root for the team. She was an immediate favorite of mine because she was same color as SV Blue Tornado.
Maple Leaf Mel raced for the last time earlier this month in the Grade 1 Test Stakes. Grade 1 races are the highest level and are the toughest to win. Maple Leaf Mel was ahead of the field as they ran towards the finish line. I was watching the race on TV and standing up in my living room as I shouted for her to win.
She broke her leg about 150 feet from the finish line. She tumbled onto the racetrack and immediately sprang up, terrified and full of adrenaline. Her front leg swung wildly from her body, only connected by her skin. She hobbled on 3 legs out of the TV frame.
That was the last horse race I watched live. I’ve unsubscribed from the podcasts. I unfollowed the social media accounts and cancelled my trip to Del Mar.
I can’t justify it anymore. It feels like I cannot say I love horses while still supporting horse racing. It feels like a moral obligation now to stand against the sport I loved for so long.
They euthanized Maple Leaf Mel immediately. They didn’t even have time to put her on a trailer and take her back to her stall to do it. She died on the racetrack, surrounded by blue tarps used to block the view of the crowd from what’s happening.
She died and she took my love of horse racing with her.