Happy to (still) be here
Existence is suffering, but there is a lot of joy still out there to experience.
My friend Amy and I frequently talk about how grateful we are for how terrible our relationships were in our 20s. Those awful experiences during those crucial years ultimately set us up for our glorious 30s and beyond. For example, Amy got her appreciation of nice bikes from an ex and I got the question, “what are three good things about your day?” from one of mine.
I met that particular ex two weeks after moving back home from Kentucky when I was at my lowest. It sounds strange to say to a non-horse person that leaving Kentucky broke me, but it did. Any horse person will tell you that Kentucky is the horse capital of the world and I spent my whole life working to get there.
I moved back to California in August (another reason to hate the month) and I had no job. I was sleeping again in my childhood twin bed and my mom was crying every day on the couch because I had recently come out to her. The vibes were bad.
And then two weeks later I met my first boyfriend and I fell in love hard. Too hard. I had internalized the plot of Fools Rush In and saw him as a sign. He was the reason I had to move back home. He started to ask me to describe three good things about my day to try to turn my frown upside down and it worked. It made me fall even harder.
The relationship lasted 3 weeks and it positively crushed me. The one good thing I thought I had in my life was gone. I felt like I had been kicked off a cliff. The subsequent depression lasted about a year. I thought it was because I was so heartbroken, but I know now that it was the culmination of my life falling apart.
Until recently, I looked back at this time with embarrassment and shame. It was the lowest time of my life and I kept kicking myself for all the mistakes I had made.
I got very close to suicide during this time. I am so grateful I decided at the last minute to board the BART train instead of jumping in front of it.
In fact, I’m grateful for every part of that time because it brought me to where I am today. My life now is nothing like what 2014 Alberto would even begin to imagine. I’m proud that, while there are plenty of hard days, I have the privilege of living a fulfilled life.
It is an objectively hard time to be a human right now, but one thing I’ve learned from reading so many different books is that existential dread is not new. Finding gratitude where we can is hard, but we have to try— it’s not just about feeling good just to feel good, in many cases it’s a mechanism of survival.
To quote my favorite book, “there is always something left to love.” The piece at the end of this newsletter is a brief list of things I’m grateful for. I hope it inspires you to find gratitude wherever you can.
November Book Reviews II
The Friend: 4 stars
What I liked about this book: Like the last Sigrid Nunez book I read, I loved the writing style. This book is written as if the narrator is talking to a friend who recently committed suicide. I was about 30% through the book when I found out my coworker died so it took on a different meaning for me. It made me want to get a dog.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who has lost someone that they had a complicated relationship with.
Medium of the book: Audiobook borrowed from the San Diego County Library
Judging a book by its cover: I love this book cover. I would hang the print of it in my classroom if I were an elementary school teacher. Kindergarten vibes.
Ripe: 5 stars
What I liked about this book: This book is BLEAK but I loved it. I loved it because I think it captures the experience of living in the modern Bay Area so accurately. Some of the horror stories in the book are based in truth because I experienced them myself.
The Bay Area is still magical and beautiful, but there is some horror there, too. I’ve had so many wonderful nights in San Francisco end with me seeing someone shoot up in a BART hallway.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who has lived in the Bay Area over the last decade
Medium of the book: Audiobook borrowed from the Oakland Public Library (fitting!)
Judging a book by its cover: THIS MAY BE MY FAVORITE ONE OF THE YEAR. A boy I had a crush on in high school drew a picture of a pomegranate and it was hung in the hallway outside of my Honors American Literature class. Pomegranates have been the most romantic fruit for me ever since.
My favorite people’s favorite things.
I love the Celebrity Shopping lists on The Strategist. Last month I bought Mario Lopez’s pomade and Anna Billier’s cat bed.
I am so thrilled to talk about my friend, Emma. Emma is one of the biggest reasons I made it through 2015.
We met in 2011 during our orientation training class when she introduced herself to me and complimented me on my cowboy boots. I have been basking in the glory of her sunshine ever since.
She is the first person I came out to. My first kiss with a boy happened in her college kitchen. Emma and I briefly dated a few months later. It sounds weird but it felt so natural at the time. I just loved her so much.
Another example of how amazing she is - when she broke up with me I just felt so lucky to have been able share those special weeks with her. We went back to being friends immediately.
She inspires me to improve myself. She was the one who told me about Isle of Skye, where Collin and I got engaged. She introduced me to Ottolenghi. She is the coolest and I’m just so grateful to her friend.
She has always been a champion for my writing and I’m thrilled I get to include her in this. She is one of my forever people.
So without further ado, please enjoy Emma’s favorite things as told by her:
Jenny Colgan books: As an anglophile few things delight me more than imagining opening a bakery in a sleepy English village, or moving to the Scottish highlands because I bought a castle on a whim…! Since (at least for now!) my life is rooted in California, I dive into Jenny Colgan books to live out these dreams. She is a Scottish writer who has perfected the formula of “burnt out over achieving protagonist has a breakdown and ends up in rural, whimsical area while enjoying hijinks along the way”. I am endlessly grateful for her dependable deliveries and if you are interested recommend starting with The Bookshop on the Corner.
Permed eyelashes: Did you know that if you have borderline lizard eyes because your eyelashes are so straight you can pay someone to make them so striking and curly that baristas will tell you how good they look? I have started getting my eyelashes permed and tinted and am delighting in the fact that now people don’t just assume my sons get their gorgeous, dark lashes from my husband. Thank you estheticians for your miracle work!
Overt Kindness while Flying: I recently had an incredibly stressful cross country flight with my toddlers, and at the same time, experienced an almost endless amount of random acts of kindness from total strangers. Megan, our flight attendant, named herself a baby whisperer and brought the boys back to pick out snacks multiple times to avoid meltdowns, and Barbara, an older woman across the aisle from us, played peek-a-boo with my one year old for a whole hour. I could give countless other examples just like them and felt like in those 12 hours I got to experience some of the best of humanity.
Ross Gay: My biggest teacher this season has been Ross Gay. It has been a challenging few months, globally and personally, and so when I stumbled on his theories, rooted in tending joy and practicing delight I was intrigued. Gay’s writing started when he made a personal goal to write a delight every day for a year, and this culminated in the gorgeous book, The Book of Delights. This work and his others are such a powerful reminder to slow down, be mindful and let delight surprise you.
Surprise Coffee Venmo: Every so often I will randomly send a friend ten dollars on Venmo with the sole purpose of treating them to a nice coffee drink. A friend of mine did this for me a few years ago and it brought me so much joy I have turned it into a giving practice. This is a simple, and guaranteed way to make someone's day, and if you’re reading this it’s a sign that you should pick a friend and do this tomorrow!
Golden Bachelor: At first I watched because I was intrigued at the premise of a 72 year old widower being the new bachelor, but now I watched because I am obsessed with this show. These people have lived full lives, they openly weep about life as widows/widowers, discuss how ageist our culture is and stay rooted in the belief that love is available at every age. I cathartically cry every episode and am left with a truly warmed heart by the end.
Cup of Jo saturday newsletter: Saturday mornings my partner is on kid duty and I make myself an espresso and open up my Cup of Jo newsletter for some great weekend reading. The writing feels like an email from a best friend that covers a range of fun things and links ranging from lipstick shade, to anecdotes on wild swimming, to cookie recipes, to house tours. It’s got the nostalgic feeling of the Sunday Times and I look forward to it every week.
Marco Polo app: I discovered this app in the pandemic and it became such a balm to my lonely heart. Instead of texting, you communicate with friends through video messages. So simple, but what a difference it makes on a long day to see a bestie's face who lives across the country, or hear a laugh so familiar it makes you laugh. Post pandemic I still find it to be my preferred way to communicate with friends far away, and credit it as a huge helper in sustaining the depth of those connections.
Ginger Snap Latte from Temple Coffee Roasters: I don’t know what alchemy the baristas perform to make this perfection but it truly is just that. This perfect combination of homemade ginger syrup, spices, and sharp espresso is a drink that truly encapsulates the holiday season for me. Move over pumpkin spice, your cooler, more elevated sister is in town. (Editor’s Note: I tried one last week when I was in Sacramento and can attest to its deliciousness. Skip the whipped cream.)
Trying New Things: For no reason other than it sounded like a fun challenge, I decided to try one new thing a week for the autumn months. This journey has brought me new knowledge such as I am laughably bad at soccer, and that I do enjoy silent retreats but not murder podcasts. As someone who has been very defined by work and motherhood in the last few years, I have found this exercise bringing a welcome expansion in big and small ways to how I define my sense of self.
Things I’m grateful for in November 2023
These are all things that at some point this month were one of the good things about my day.
Carrie Coon as Bertha Russell on The Gilded Age
Whoever did all the casting for The Gilded Age
The Gilded Age
The Book Catapult in San Diego, California
The Avid Reader in Davis, California
Southwest Airlines
Hydroflask water bottles in the Jade color
The family I was born into
The family I’ve created for myself
The app Libby
Five Guys burgers
Xyzal
San Diego sunsets
When Martini does a flip when playing with her toys
Lake Tahoe
The Every Outfit podcast
Kindle Paperwhites
Cleaning a kitchen with my sisters
Temple Coffee
The hug of a loved one when I see them after a long time apart
Watching Dune with Amy and Chris
The feeling of elation after a great presentation
Waking up naturally right before my alarm goes off
Gun Oil water-based lubricant
Therapy
A therapist who suggests books that are readily available on the Libby app
You
But like actually you, a person who subscribed to this newsletter. Putting my words out there to be read by others is terrifying but I feel so supported. I truly am grateful for you.
Me. Good job, self.