My Old Kentucky Home
Somewhere in Appalachia there’s an above ground pool with tears in it
I’ve been thinking a lot about Kentucky lately.
In the months leading up to the wedding I thought about my coming out process and how I cried on the phone with my sister when I finally did. I was leaning against a tractor tire in an old tobacco barn while I was on the phone with her.
I thought about all the men during my time there. The good, the bad, and the men who I met in dark places so I couldn’t even tell if they were ugly. I may not remember most of their names, but they taught me so much about myself and my newfound sexual liberation.
Before I met Collin I had tasted pretty much everything at the proverbial buffet. I’m so glad I did because it made me appreciate how special Collin truly was when I met him.
Since the election I’ve been thinking about the Kentucky men specifically. I left Kentucky because I chose my own safety and security over pursuing the career of my dreams. Every decision I made in high school and college was made with the intention of preparing me for a career in the Kentucky horse racing industry. Coming out complicated my lifelong plan and I ultimately decided there was more to life than just horses.
It was such a relief to finally be honest about myself and I decided I would never put myself back in the closet for anyone else’s comfort. To stand firm in that decision I knew I had to move back to California.
There’s one Kentucky man that I think about often. I don’t even remember his name, but I hope wherever he is today he is okay. The piece of at the end of this newsletter explains why.
November Book Reviews
I Hope This Finds You Well: 3 stars
What I liked about this book: I liked how juicy this book was. Sometimes it was too cringey for me to handle and I’d have to pause the audiobook to give myself a break. I credit the good writing for being so immersive that I felt the story in my gut and nerves, sometimes detrimentally.
Who I’d recommend this book to: People who enjoy cringe television (e.g. The Office); anyone who has ever wondered what secrets live in their coworkers’ inboxes.
Medium of the book: Audiobook
Judging a book by its cover: It’s giving Pepto-Bismol.
The Husbands: 3 stars
What I liked about this book: I liked the multiverse of husbands and meditating on all of the what-if’s of my own life. Despite this book being formulaic, I got excited for each new husband, even I had met them before. In my opinion, the book didn’t quite stick the landing which ultimately affected my overall rating.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who enjoys a multiverse book; anyone single that thinks marriage or a relationship would fix all their problems; anyone who has ever thought about “the one who got away”’
Medium of the book: e-book
Judging a book by its cover: Simple, but I’m a fan.
The Ministry of Time: 4 stars
What I liked about this book: Fantastic premise and excellent execution! Definitely one of the best time-travel books I have ever read. It had a twist that shocked me and it had a satisfying ending. I don’t want to give away too much because I think most people should read it.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone interested in time travel; anyone who has ever thought about what a person from another era of the anthropocene would think about modern life; hopeless romantics; anyone who has ever thought someone in a history book was hot.
Medium of the book: e-book
Judging a book by its cover: Love it. It reminds me of the style of Tomorrowland in Disneyland. It looks like a poster I would see in the bathroom area after Space Mountain, ya know?
My Favorite People’s favorite things.
I love the Celebrity Shopping lists on The Strategist and the “10 Essentials” videos on GQ’s YouTube channel. I think you can learn a lot about people based off of their favorite things. This recurring segment highlights some of My Favorite People’s favorite things.
Choosing to live authentically as a queer person was the best decision I have ever made for lots of reasons. One of my favorite reasons is that it opened up the possibility of creating my own queer family.
Today you’re going to meet a member of my queer family. Everyone, meet Lindsay.
I don’t remember when I met Lindsay exactly, but I feel similarly to how I described their wife Ali: one day I opened my eyes and there was Lindsay, fitting perfectly into my life as if they had been there the whole time.
Lindsay is fellow survivor of Lasallian education (Let us remember!!!!) and we vibe hard on our mutual appreciation of the Reality Television arts and sciences. They are my go-to person if I ever need an opinion on anything food and wine. They prioritize comfort and ease in a way that is aspirational for me.
Although neither of us live in Adam’s Point anymore, I know there is a universe somewhere where we both still live there. I know I’m happy in that universe because how could you not be when one of your dearest friends lives 2 blocks away?
Lindsay is an icon and I’m so excited for you to read their favorite things. I’ve already added 2 things off their list to my own Christmas list so this is perfect timing. Please enjoy their favorite things after one of my favorite photos of some of my Favorite People.
Breville Barista Express - In 2021, I was hired by an Australian-owned design agency. On top of learning cheeky Aussie slang and silly abbreviated nicknames (Ex: Blundstone shoes are “Blundies”), I also learned that the Australians take their coffee incredibly seriously—perhaps more than the Italians, and I say this as an Italian. Our global creative director made sure that each of our offices across the world have this exact Breville Barista Express. In my first annual review with her, she ended by asking “And how does everyone like the Breville?”
The truth is, I loved it so much I bought one for my own goddamn home. And every day I follow the same morning ritual of heating my portafilter and pulling the absolute best double shot I can. The hobby has evolved into an obsession and I can confidently say my mental health is better for it. I also have saved so much money making boutique lattes at home.
My feelings regarding this machine, as told by Oprah Winfrey: “She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don’t know a better person.”Travel White Noise Machine - At home, I am someone who always likes to sleep with a fan on to create noise to relax and decompress. My body is so used to it that now I am completely dependent on having it. On camping trips, I sleep like shit—not because I am sleeping on the ground, but because I do not have a fan running at all times! Lol. My wife and I travel often and a few years ago I invested in this travel white noise machine. Not only does it help me sleep, but it has helped mask surprise noises beyond our control (Ex: Loud hotel neighbors, city sirens, etc). It stays in my travel bag at all times and I always charge her up for the next trip so she is ready to roll.
Blockshop Textile Robe - The truth about me is I am an unapologetic exhibitionist. When I lived in my old apartment, I loved to walk around the space nude. I frankly prefer being nude over wearing clothes sometimes lol. When I moved into my house this summer, I knew I had to start wearing more clothes when lounging around the house. I invested in this beautiful Blockshop Textiles robe hand-crafted in India—it’s thin, airy material is perfect for hot AF summers when you do not want a single piece of clothing on, but still want to “be decent” for your neighbors. I purchased this Grossy Pelossi collab tomato print and refer to it as my “Tomato Soprano” robe when on.
Food Theme Airpod Case - Being one of God’s favorites, I am one of the lucky people who can have airpods fit comfortably in my ears. In fact, they fit so perfectly, you would think Apple used my ear shapes and canals as the blueprint. As a way to protect and keep track of my beloved airpods, I turn to Etsy to outfit them in the most adorable food-theme Airpod cases. I currently use the linked Gatorade case, but also have a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup variant for when I want to switch it up. Amazon has many of these options as well—special shout out to this Ben & Jerry’s case. They are a great conversation piece and it makes me smile whenever I see it.
Adult Hobby - As kids, I am sure we all had various activities we were buzzing about during/after school and over the summers like sports, music lessons, etc. In the last few years, I wondered why that suddenly had to end in adulthood…we have not learned or perfected everything there is to know and do, and I realized I missed having more in my life. My close friend took sewing classes, a coworker got back into road cycling and an acquaintance pursued tennis lessons after watching Challengers. After a few years of milling over picking up golf lessons as an adult (had lessons as a child) I finally picked it back up a few weeks ago and have my first lesson coming up this weekend. It has been a great thing to get me outdoors and my eyes off of a screen. It feels so rewarding to work towards something new and it has proven to be another relaxing self-care outlet, teaching me lessons about patience. Something I will likely lean on in these next 4 years of our country.
L.L. Bean Wicked Good Moccasins - I am a proud East Coast transplant and I grew up with many L.L. Bean items in the home such as their boat tote, duffel bags, backpacks—etc—OF COURSE I got my initials embroidered on everything, are you seriously asking me that? Anyways—their next iconic shoe, right under the legendary “Bean Boot” are their “wicked good” moccasin slippers. I have arthritis in my toe joints that are very sensitive in colder months, and these slippers make incredible house shoes that provide with me so much warmth. They are perfectly wide for my wide width clown feet and are the perfect thing to slip my toes into on the way downstairs to the espresso machine.
Routine Massages - Human bodies are much like maintaining a home or car as it ages. They weather the seasons and need routine upkeep to help maintain their steady longevity. Stretching daily is of course an easy way to care for your aches and pains, but I find that sometimes you need the help of a professional to really focus in on specific areas. It really is just another form of physical therapy and a way to show yourself compassion—10/10 for mental health. I try to go every 6 weeks for a full body, 90 minute massage because I spend hours at a computer 5 days a week. I am committed to self-preservation more than ever in my 30s and try to stay 2 steps ahead of long term issues like lower back pain!
Lodge 6qt Dutch Oven - Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you need a Le Creuset dutch oven—and I say that as a purist who believes in varietal specific wine glasses. A Lodge brand dutch oven is incredible for a much more approachable price point and still has a handful of cute color options. Since cooking on an enamel coated pan is so easy to clean, we use this pot 80% of the time and have learned of its crazy versatility in the process. Its high sides are great for sauteing, by keeping grease splatter out to your stove to a minimum, and the cast iron material ensures an even cook to each element of the recipe. If I were on a deserted island and could only have one pan to cook, it would 100000% be this dutch oven.
Old Navy Vintage T-Shirt - IYKYK. Since Gap Inc. has had Zac Posen at the helm as chief creative officer, there has absolutely been a shift in the quality of Old Navy these last few years. Dare I say it is better than Gap? I do dare. I am a broad shouldered non-binary person with a dump truck ass—I prefer a slightly boxy, cropped cut to my t-shirts that are not too fitted. When I discovered this shirt, I bought one in every color and continue to do so every time a new color drops. They have a slightly drooped shoulder stitch and have a premium weight to them that feels like a much higher price point than they are. They are a basics staple in my wardrobe and I wear them often to my office as well.
Pinot Noir Wine - I am very passionate about wine and have tasted many varietals over the years, but I always come back to Pinot Noir. Like many varietals, different growing regions can really nurture different characteristics in the wine. An Oregon Pinot can be earthy with an almost savory, umami flavor—while a Sonoma Coast Pinot could be bursting with bright red berry fruits and florals. I love that Pinot’s do not always demand to be paired with a meal like that of a Napa Cab, and can be enjoyed on their own as you wind down after a long work day. I have dragged my partner on a few Pinot Noir-specific wine trips and I would highly recommend you do the same! #1 Anderson Valley, CA, #2 Willamette Valley, OR, #3 Russian River, CA and #4 Carmel Valley. Los Olivos/Lompoc are my Pinot wishlist trips lol.
Somewhere in Appalachia there’s an above ground pool with tears in it
When I first met him, he was living in Lexington. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was ahead of me in our journey out of the horse business. Like me, he had moved to Central Kentucky to try to make it professionally in the racehorse industry. He had tried to make it in the business as a jockey, but he wasn’t able to overcome his height issue (too tall).
I could tell by his accent that he was from Appalachia. Many of my fellow horsemen on the farm were from various Appalachian counties and I had learned the intricacies of the speech pattern.
I met him after a night out in Lexington when I decided I wasn’t ready to head back to the farm quite yet. I messaged him and he invited me over to his home. After we did what we had planned to do, we started to get to know each other.
I liked getting to know the people I had just gotten to know (biblically), but I quickly learned that not everyone was into this. The jockey was kind and thoughtfully considered his answers to my questions.
You can learn a lot about someone by asking what their favorite Halloween costume was as a child.
Eventually the conversation turned to horses and a new chamber of my heart unlocked. We talked about our favorite races (mine is the 2000 Breeders’ Cup Mile), our favorite coat colors, and other things we loved about horses.
As I was leaving, I asked for his actual number.
“Sure, but I do have to tell you that I’m moving home next month. I can’t afford to live here anymore and I don’t have other options. I’m not too far, though. Owsley County.”
Owsley County was a 90-minute drive from where I was living. It was in Eastern Kentucky, a place I was warned not to visit on the first day of my program’s orientation.
“Eastern Kentucky has nothing for you there. You have no reason to be there. People will know you are not from there and it’s in your best interest to avoid it.” This was my introduction to Appalachia.
Owsley County is the poorest county in the United States. I didn’t know that at the time. All I knew is that it would take me an hour and a half to drive to visit him.
I only went to visit him once and it was during my farewell tour. Not long after we had met I had decided it was time for me to move back home to California.
Our texts had wavered over the weeks, but there was still a line of communication between us. He told me his parents would be away for a few days and I should come over when he had the whole place to himself.
I scrubbed every inch of myself in the shower after work that day. I charged my phone, texted a friend the address in case I were to go missing, and made my journey southeast.
It took me two hours to get there as I missed a country road and had to drive back. I was out of range for my cell phone service and I pulled over to inspect the paper maps my dad had bought for me during our cross-country drive from California.
I was wondering if I should just go back home when the service picked up and a text finally came through from him.
“Excited to see you soon :-)”
When I finally got there, I saw him watering the potted plants outside. He quickly turned off the hose and walked over to me. Once he got close, he remembered how shy he was and dropped his gaze.
“Thanks for driving all the out here. Do you want to go inside?”
The first room he showed me was his room. The tour ended there.
Laying in bed, we talked about how our days had been. The conversation eventually flowed to my imminent departure. He kissed my arm and said he didn’t want me to go.
I didn’t want to leave either, but I had to. Kentucky was my dream, but it wasn’t sustainable. I had to grow up and stop playing with other people’s horses.
The heaviness of the moment floated between us before he sat up and looked out the window. “It’s still warm out. Want to go swimming?”
I started to get dressed when he told me to stop. “No one is here. When was the last time you saw someone on the drive?”
I considered when that was. It’s true. I had been on the road by myself for a long time. A gas station was the last sign of civilization, but that seemed to be at least 30 minutes away. My thoughts were interrupted when I looked up and saw his naked body slowly sink into the above ground pool outside the window.
We had been together multiple times at this point, but being naked in this pool together felt the most vulnerable to me. We played with water guns that were sitting next to the pool’s ladder. We found each other’s arms again and started to kiss.
He hugged me and put his head on my shoulder. I heard a deep breath quickly followed by the sound of crying.
“I am moving away again," he said quietly.
“Oh? Where are you going?”
“I’m..uh. I’m going away to join a seminary.”
I pulled back from him and looked him in the eye. “You’re joking” A few moments of silence.
“You’re not serious,” I said, hoping that by saying out loud it would make it untrue.
“I don’t have any other options. I can’t stay here. My parents don’t want me. I can’t find work and the seminary will pay for things. There are no other options for me.”
Words failed me. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say so I just held him tighter. My memories say I said “I’m sorry” but I don’t know if that’s true. Ten years later and I still don’t know what the best thing to say in that moment would have been.
My toes were pruney beyond recognition by the time the sun began to set. I had a long drive back and I didn’t want to be on country roads in the dark. It was time to go.
We got dressed in silence. He walked me to my truck and we kissed goodbye.
“Good luck with the move,” he said to me through my open truck window. I grabbed his hand and said, “good luck with everything. Take care. I mean it.”
I still mean it. Wherever he is I hope he is safe. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy.
I haven’t looked at above ground pools the same way since.
