Slouching towards Bravo
My Housewives tagline would be, "I don't make sense, but I do make a scene."
I cannot believe I’m writing the second April newsletter already. The first few weeks of 2024 seemed to crawl by and then I blinked and it’s almost May.
April is always a hectic time at work. It’s my favorite part of the year, but I’m always happy once it’s finally over. This April has been especially busy because it is also the month that wedding planning has kicked into high gear.
The ring appointments have been made, the Spotify playlists have been created, and I’ve thought long and hard about how I can build a suitable wedding outfit around my favorite pair of cowboy boots.
This is also the month when our officiant officially became ordained. Our friend Jayne is going to marry us and I’m so happy it’s finally happening.
It’s full circle to have her officiate the wedding because she was the first person that honored our relationship to begin with. She was the first person Collin told when we first started dating and she told him to go for it.
Collin and I started long-distance (Santa Barbara and Oakland) and we would take turns visiting in each other. When the pandemic started, Collin and I both agreed that Santa Barbara seemed like an easier place to ride it out so I moved in with him after six months of dating.
Actually, I have to be honest. We were in Goleta and Jayne has made me aware of the distinction. She is a Goleta gal through and through.
Jayne was the friend we would see the most often in socially distant hangouts. We would order Chili’s and eat it on the empty UCSB campus. We would pick up McDonald’s and eat in the grass outside Collin’s apartment.
Jayne was there during such a new, exciting, terrifying, challenging, and overwhelming time in our lives and her friendship was a steady place to hang onto.
Towards the end of Summer 2020 Collin and I moved away from Goleta. We met Jayne at The Goodland (RIP) and we drank for a few hours. Several drinks in, Collin left to go to the bathroom.
“Jayne, I think I’m going to marry Collin one day.”
“OMG, really?! That makes me so happy and it makes sense.”
“When it happens, you have to officiate.”
“Oh, you don’t have a choice.”
Four years later and I’m so happy it’s official. Wedding planning has been an exercise in decision fatigue, but knowing Jayne was always going to officiate has been an easy thing to check off.
Like she said, we didn’t have a choice.
April Book Reviews II
Iona Iverson's Rules for Commuting: 5 stars
What I liked about this book: This book brilliantly shows off all the things I love about public transportation. BART is far from perfect but I love it so much, flaws and all. This book was a warm hug and it made me want to “be more Iona.”
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who love to people-watch; anyone who uses public transportation regularly; anyone looking for a queer book filled with warmth.
Medium of the book: A paperback copy sent to me by Emily! BOOK MAIL IS MY FAVORITE MAIL. The fastest way to my heart is giving me a book with a handwritten noted scribbled in the margins (second fastest is desserts).
Judging a book by its cover: Another great yellow book. Loved it.
The Fetishist: 4 stars
What I liked about this book: This book was funny and I enjoyed how it toyed with the trope of “Asian woman with a white boyfriend.” This book was also pretty fast-paced so I ended up finishing it quickly. The ending got weird and it lost me a little bit, but I enjoyed it overall.
Who I’d recommend this book to: white men with Asian girlfriends; Asian women who are exhausted of being stereotyped.
Medium of the book: Audiobook borrowed from the San Diego County Library
Judging a book by its cover: The blowfish plays a big part of this story. It’s fine, but I also liked the color of the background. Is it mauve? I’m unsure.
My favorite people’s favorite things.
I love the Celebrity Shopping lists on The Strategist. Here are some of my favorite people’s favorite things.
Duh, of course Jayne is the edition’s person. I didn’t have a choice!
It is an absolute pleasure to introduce you all to her. Without further ado, the 10 favorite things from one of my favorite people, Jayne:
When Alberto asked me about being featured in his newsletter, I peed my pants a little! That’s why my first recommendation is the New Depend Silhouette for Women. Kidding! But, my first recommendation is something that covers your caboose, and that’s the Vuori Performance Jogger. I recognize that $94 for sweatpants is insane, but… is it? Hear me out. They are beyond soft and comfy, keep you warm but not sweaty, and are flattering. I wear them constantly. My tip is not to buy them for yourself. Wait to ask for a pair for your birthday or a holiday!
My husband says it’s worth investing in things that form a barrier between you and the ground: good tires on your car, a quality mattress, and shoes! Unlike sweatpants, I’m willing to buy myself pricier shoes, and during pregnancy I became a Birkenstocks convert. I love the Gizeh sandal and wear it daily. But my main reason for mentioning Birkenstocks is to shout from the rooftops about their other types of shoes! Over the years I have invested in: The Glenda platform, the Mary wedge, the Bend Low sneakers, and the Buckley clog. All are equally stylish and comfortable!
Speaking of feet, my next favorite thing is near and dear to me. When I’m burnt out from tending to my toddler, helping run a household, and pretending to care about work, I turn to the ultimate self-care: foot rubs. I love having my feet rubbed, scrubbed, and abused. If my hooves look rode hard and put up wet, I’ll visit a nail salon for a pedicure. When I’m feeling less fancy, it’s a massage joint for a quick foot rub. It’s the perfect affordable, fast indulgence that I can fit in during lunch break or my son’s nap.
Now that we’ve discussed indulgence, we are moving onto something lame. Drinking water. I loathe drinking water. It’s a bore and a chore. However, I know I NEED it (ugh), so I try. What I have found to be helpful is a cute vessel to hold said dull liquid as well as a smooth bendy straw. Cue the Hydro Flask 32 oz All Around Travel Tumbler. It is LARGE, however, it’s aesthetically pleasing and I don’t have to refill it often. I refuse to drink room temperature water, so I add 3 ice cubes and it stays cold forever.
Let’s move to a beverage that needs no introduction, no fancy cups. Coffee. I consider myself a connoisseur, not so much so that I avoid Starbucks, but in that I judge people FOR their Starbucks orders. If you, too, want to roll your eyes at people in line ahead of you, I suggest a coffee subscription service from Atlas Coffee Club. After entering your taste preferences and brewing method, you’ll get a new roast each month with a postcard that features an image of the particular country, tasting notes of that roast, and the coffee history of that region.
Coffee led me naturally to the Portland Leather Company, because they have a color called “Coldbrew” that I LOVE. Portland Leather Co. is awesome, particularly their “Almost Perfect” line. This includes backpacks, wallets, and purses that are marked down in price because they have natural imperfections in the leather. I’ve never received a product I didn’t like. They have a range of colors, from bright ones that pop to a variety of more neutral browns. I personally have their Almost Perfect Bifold Wallet, Almost Perfect Mini Crossbody bag, and the Almost Perfect Tote backpack (here’s that lovely Coldbrew color!)
The convenience that my Tote backpack provides brings me to my next item, the equally convenient Nivea In-shower Body Lotion. (I worked REALLY hard for that transition, please appreciate it!) I am too lazy to put moisturizer on my body, so this stuff is perfect. Does it provide deep moisture? Nope! Will your legs sometimes look scaly? Yup! BUT, you won’t be so dry that your skin itches, it’s not greasy, and it takes a minute to apply and rinse. My slogan for it is, “Nivea In-shower Body Lotion: It’s better than nothing! And that’s good enough for me!”
Another product that makes life easier - but is SUPER effective - is Dr. Dan’s Cortibalm chapstick. This past winter my lips got really dry, to the point where sometimes they would crack and bleed. I asked my dentist for recommendations and he gave me a sample of the Cortibalm. It works SO well. It contains 1% hydrocortisone as its active ingredient. You only need to use it for a day or two to heal your lips and keep them from getting worse, then you can return to your regular chapstick of choice. Kind of like Zicam, but for your lips!
Speaking of Zicam (I am LOVING a good transition!), my next favorite thing is something I’m newly into. My parents affectionately refer to it as “German Zicam,” and they discovered it when they were in Europe and started to get cold symptoms. I’ve never been a Zicam devotee, but this stuff works. It’s a potent vitamin C and Zinc tablet that you begin taking at the onset of any cold symptoms. You either: won’t get sick, won’t get sick as severely, or your sickness will be shorter compared to those exposed to the same illness who didn’t use it.
I lost steam with my seamless transitions, but this one must be mentioned regardless. You know those adorable book sharing libraries that became all the rage during Covid? They are delightful, a great way to pass along books and find ones for yourself, for free! My final favorite thing is having our own in our front yard! My husband, dad, and father-in-law repurposed an old cabinet big enough for books, board games, and puzzles. It’s been so fun seeing people young and old get such joy from it. We’ve collected great kid’s books for our son from it too!
You are not better than Bravo: a manifesto.
Another thing I love about Jayne is that she was one of the reasons I got into Bravo programming. I entered the pandemic a Bravo novice and now it is embarrassing the amount of information I know about these strangers on TV.
I used to think I was too smart for Bravo shows. “Ugh! How uncultured,” I’d yap while reading a book. “It’s just people screaming.”
I didn’t get it and I thought I was above it. Dear reader, how wrong I was.
The brilliance of Bravo programming is that the screaming is the delicious climax of season-long storylines finally paying off.
No one is too good to enjoy Bravo. I have talked at length with an engineering professor (with several patents!) about whether or not we thought Erika Jayne knew about her husband’s crimes.
If you’re new to the Bravosphere and have always been curious about where to start, please enjoy a quick bite of clips.
The Most Devastating Read of All
Context you need to enjoy this clip: Kenya Moore (Miss USA 1993) has been getting too close for comfort to her castmate Phaedra’s husband. The read begins at the 2:00 mark.
For when the server at the restaurant gives you the wrong plate of food
Context you need to enjoy this clip: Shannon (blonde, left) and Kelly (brunette, right) have been fighting at a local Newport restaurant and Kelly makes a low blow.
Hell is empty, the demons are here.
Context you need to enjoy this clip: The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City discover that their newest member runs a social media troll account that has been ruining their lives for years.
San Diego is very international
Context you need to enjoy this clip: Jayne ordered a cameo for Collin when we left Santa Barbara.