The 9-1-Sickness Edition
This newsletter exists in the Greta Gerwig extended cinematic universe.
This newsletter is being written on the twelfth floor of The Citizen Hotel.
You know, The Citizen Hotel. Where the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ate lunch on the very first episode of the show during their trip up to Sacramento to watch Adrienne Maloof’s basketball team play.
I share these details because I need you to know how glamorous I currently feel and I also need to share that all of Sacramento hates the Maloof family.
Sacramento is a weird place and I love that I’m from here. It’s the Midwest of California and I say that with pride. I immediately distrust people who hate Sacramento. Those people are trying to buy groceries at Office Depot.
Sacramento is no one’s idea of California. We have a pretty bridge but it’s not the Golden Gate. Water’s on our city flag but our waterfront property is not on the ocean.
Sacramento is described by its distance to other places. Halfway between SF and Tahoe. Its sleepiness is a part of the charm. I never sleep as well as I do in Sacramento.
Once you see Sacramento for what it actually is you can enjoy it for all it has.
People who can’t see that are missing out. You hate Sacramento but Sacramento hates you too.
May Book Reviews II
North Woods: 5 stars! (Nominee for the Golden Martini for Book of the Year)
What I liked about this book: I loved the writing style. I loved the photos before every chapter. I loved how I excited I would get when one chapter would end because I knew something different was coming next. This story unfolded in a very satisfying way and I liked how it wrapped up in the end.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who has ever wondered what the land they’re standing on looked like before urban development; anyone who has ever thought about what happened in your apartment or home before you lived there; anyone who likes ghost stories.
Medium of the book: A hardcover purchased from The Book Catapult in San Diego.
Judging a book by its cover: I was immediately drawn to this cover because I am now a Cat Person and I like that it’s watercolor.
West: 2.5 stars
What I liked about this book: I liked the cover art. I liked that there were mules and hinnies in it. I liked that it was short.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who ever went through a dinosaur phase as a child; anyone who would like a quick book to read; anyone who needs a reminder that every dream doesn’t need to be fulfilled.
Medium of the book: A hardcover copy borrowed from the San Diego Public Library
Judging a book by its cover: The cover art is what I liked best about the book.
The House of Hidden Meanings: 3 stars
What I liked about this book: I liked learning about how much San Diego influenced RuPaul. I liked the audiobook narration.
Who I’d recommend this book to: anyone who would like to learn about the deeply sensitive person behind RuPaul the Drag Icon; anyone who would like to know what it is like to grow up gay and Black in 1960s and 1970s.
Medium of the book: Audiobook borrowed from the Sacramento Public Library. I think all memoirs should be listened to, especially if read by the author like this one was.
Judging a book by its cover: I love this photo of RuPaul. I want one of myself just like it.
My favorite people’s favorite things.
I love the Celebrity Shopping lists on The Strategist. Here are some of my favorite people’s favorite things.
Kevin is my own personal Sacramento King and I had to have him be in the Sacramento edition of the newsletter.
We went to high school together and we were not friends. I sat directly behind him for an entire school year in Church History and Christian Morality (lol Catholic school) and we never spoke.
The first time I remember talking to him was at the end of senior year. From my high school there were five of us going to UC Davis and Kevin was one of them. I noticed him a few lockers down from me and I walked to him and gave him a UC Davis magnet I had.
“I heard you’re going to Davis, too.”
That was the end of interaction and we didn’t speak again until the summer when we realized that we were placed on the exact same dorm floor. Of all the residence halls in all of Davis, we were down the hall from each other.
I don’t think I’ve ever told Kevin the following memory.
We moved into the dorms on the same day. I had gotten there early in the morning and unloaded all of my stuff onto my bed before going to breakfast with my family.
I returned to the dorm alone, excited to unpack and start a new chapter of my life. I was on the 4th floor of the building and I had a view of the parking lot. I kept looking out of the window and watching all the different families coming in to drop off my new peers.
I watched Kevin and his mom park in the lot. He got out of the car and looked at the building before pulling out his phone and texting. My phone buzzed with a notification. When I saw that the message was from him, I sighed out loud and said, “so it begins.”
And we’ve been friends ever since.
Kevin is one of my most loyal and dependable friends. He is my favorite person to talk about Sacramento things with. I also just love to complain with him. We have similar opinions on a lot of things and it is always an absolute pleasure to talk shit with him.
Everyone deserves a friend like Kevin. When my first gay relationship ended I was shattered. Kevin was the friend who helped pick up the pieces.
He and his now-wife Sam (a future favorite person) offered to go to gay bars with me. I took him on the offer once and it started at The Merc and ended with me getting kicked out of a tequila bar. Kevin was the one who made sure I got home safely in an Uber.
He’s a real one and I’m so lucky to have him in my life. Thanks, UC Davis Student Housing.
Please enjoy Kevin’s favorite things, as told by him:
I will admit that a couple of edits were made once I learned that this was the Sacramento Edition. I’ll let everyone guess what changed.
The Dry Heat and Delta Breeze - I’m a true Sacramento sicko and my favorite time of year is summer time - particularly early summer when the days are the longest (and we haven’t had the third record breaking heat wave of the year). I never understood how great the dry heat is until I traveled to Virginia in July and experienced a humid heat wave. The secret to surviving Sacramento summer is the Delta Breeze - when physics and natural geography push cool ocean air up the Sacramento River each evening. Nothing feels better than the Delta Breeze hitting after a heatwave and nothing is worse than a 105 degree day without the Delta Breeze.
Casio G-Shock DW 5600 - I’ve worn a watch almost every day since I drove the bus for Unitrans at UC Davis. I got a basic Casio G-Shock as a first Father’s Day present and I wear it almost every day. It’s a classic for a reason and it comes in dozens of colors. Mine is all black with a negative display and it gets more compliments than any other watch that I own.
Target Drive Up - For many years, the Target at the corner of Riverside and Broadway was the only Target. It’s weird, small, and almost everything is behind glass. Most places have abandoned curbside pickup, but Target leaned into it. I use the drive up option at least once a week and I’ve never had a truly bad experience. All of your orders are ready in under 2 hours and they automatically group multiple orders. The app accurately shows what’s in stock and there are internal metrics that your order should come out in < 3 minutes. It helps keep the Target impulse purchases at bay and is better than ordering something from Amazon 9 times out of 10.
Bench Made Mini Bugout Pocket Knife - When I was a kid, both of my grandfathers carried pocket knives. I mostly remember them coming out at Christmas and that I wasn’t allowed to handle one. I never expected to be a pocket knife guy until I got the Benchmade Mini Bugout. It’s almost always in my pocket and I use it more days than not. As a dad with a pocket knife, Christmas Morning and Kid Birthday Parties are now my time to shine. If you have big hands or pockets, consider the full size Bugout over the Mini.
Wera Hex Wrench Set - Free yourself from a ziplock bag of leftover Ikea hex wrenches. This has every size you need and one side is rounded so you can tighten hard to reach bolts at an angle. I love this set and regularly buy it for friends when they buy their first house.
Seeing movies by myself - I love going to the movies by myself - especially matinee showings at Tower Theater where the audience is just 6 of my closest friends (all over the age of 70). Over the years, I’ve seen dozens of movies by myself and I can’t recommend it enough. I once ruined an entire weekend after seeing First Reformed on a Saturday Morning - it was great! Sitting in a dark room and concentrating on a story for 2 hours (without looking at your phone) is basically a meditation.
Patagonia 5 Inch Baggies - It’s hard to find a better pair of shorts than Patagonia baggies. Waterproof, Stain Proof, Machine Washable. You can hike, swim, bike, work from home and generally live your entire life in them. I have more pairs than I would like to admit and I wear them nonstop from April until November. Trust me, you want the 5 inch inseam, not the 7 inch. If you’d prefer a women’s cut - consider the Barely Baggies. You might be skeptical until you get a pair and end up wearing them everywhere.
Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb - If you don’t have the stamina to read 16 books across 5 intertwined series, please skip to the next bullet. If you’re interested in a fantasy series that’s actually finished, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s an incredibly well written saga that’s heavy on the emotional torture. The first book is Assassin’s Apprentice. If you’ve read them, my inbox is open.
The Beam - The Kings came to Sacramento in 1985 and they’ve been mediocre to putrid for a majority of those years and they almost relocated to Seattle. At the start of the 2022-2023 season, they started shooting a purple laser beam into space every time they won. That season, they made the playoffs for the first time since the Bush Administration. On a clear night, you can see the Beam almost anywhere within ~10 miles of downtown. It’s the perfect gimmick because it’s stupid, fun, endlessly memeable, and ultimately harmless. Sacramento loves the Beam and people turn feral when they see it. There are purple beam themed drinks, wedding photos, tattoos, shirts, flags, murals and thousands of memes. It’s listed on Google Maps as a Place of Worship. Light the Beam is a greeting, a celebration, and a sign of respect. If you’re from Sacramento and miss home - consider a Light the Beam Dad Hat.
The Beam in me recognizes the Beam in you. Vic’s Ice Cream - There are several family owned ice cream parlors in Sacramento. If you ask someone what their favorite ice cream is, you immediately learn a little bit about where they come from. (If they don’t have a favorite, they are actually from Folsom). The best ice cream in Sacramento is at Vic’s Ice Cream in Land Park. It’s a family owned shop that’s been relatively unchanged since it opened in 1947. In recent years, Gunther’s Ice Cream has become the most popular shop (it has a cool neon sign that was in Lady Bird and they built a ton of outdoor seating early in the pandemic), but the best ice cream is at Vic’s.
Editoral Interlude: I usually will just leave an editor’s note at the end of an item description when I have to make a comment but this deserves its own paragraph. Gunther’s is the superior ice cream parlor in Sacramento and I have to disagree with my favorite person on this one. I signed a blood oath to protect Gunther’s honor when I was four and carved my name into the wooden booth with my dad’s keys.
A Southern Californian’s favorite things about Sacramento
Collin is a SoCal gal through and through. Because of our relationship, he has spent way more time in Sacramento than he had ever imagined for himself. Before me, he just had a general idea of the place that everyone had to memorize in 4th grade.
Here are some of his favorite things about my hometown.
The turkeys of Elvas Avenue. “Always down to jog with me, but also terrifying.”
The sloping curbs of the streets. “Everyone ends up parking on the sidewalk and it feels lawless.”
All of the trees and natural beauty. “The most unique camellia flowers I’ve ever seen.”
The Fabulous Forties. “I don’t know of any other neighborhood like that in SoCal.”
Temple Coffee. “I never had coffee before I had Temple. It’s rare to see a local chain maintain its charm and vibe across all of its locations.”
The climate and ecology. “I grew up in the desert, but going to Sacramento made me realize that all of Southern California is a desert by comparison.”
El Novillero. “I know the head chef personally. Eating at the chef’s table is my favorite way to dine there.”
Midtown. “Small, but still somehow has so much to do.”
Frigid mornings. “Listen, I grew up in Palmdale so I know what cold feels like. Sacramento is another level of cold. It makes winter so much cozier.”
Seasons. “There are actual seasons up there, or as close to it as you will get in California. There is a stronger sense of a seasonal change there.”